Let’s take stock, shall we? How are we feeling today? Personally, I’m frustrated, angry, tired, uncomfortable, annoyed, agitated, short tempered, really wanting to be left alone but knowing that won’t happen today. All this after I’ve done the yoga and meditation and yes, I drank water today. This is not the zenned out yogi vibes I should be feeling, right?
My daughter is playing in the room as I write this and watching her, I’m feeling… resentful. And then she starts putting her baby brother’s pajamas on her dinosaur, which is adorable, and now I feel like a horrible person for being annoyed. #momguilt
Instead of being frustrated about, well, being frustrated, I try to take a moment to consider where all these emotions are coming from. Most of the time, if I’m honest, I know why I’m feeling these things.
And now… I’ll get real honest with you, too.
These feelings are all coming from my writing. (gasp!) From not being where I think I should be or doing what I actually want to do. I constantly have new ideas and continually change course before the first one has even had a chance to be played out. Then I look up months later to realize that I am nowhere.
I’m constantly pushed and pulled by what other people say I should be doing or what their ideas are. So I buy the books or the programs, thinking that’s the key to success. As if they’re going to tell me what to do and if I just follow their five step program or copy what they are doing, then I’ll finally get going and be successful.
So I chase them and their ideas and try to be them because I don’t trust myself to come up with a good enough idea. Or maybe my idea will suck or won’t work and I’ll look stupid.
So I chase other people’s ideas and then don’t follow through because it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like me, because, duh, it’s not me. And after a hundred million different times of hauling ass after someone else’s ideas, and coming up empty, I still can’t admit that I need to figure out how to listen to my own ideas, fall in love with my own vision, and then trust myself enough to go after that in a way that feels good, that actually feels like me. So that I’ll finally stick with something and stop giving a shit about what other people might think or what the doubters, haters, and naysayers think.
Why do I care so much about them anyway? Why not give as much attention to the ones who love and support me and get excited about my vision and my ideas? Why do I allow other people’s voices to be louder than my own when I’m trying to decide my next course of action?
Why listen to anyone else’s answer when the question is “what do I want to do?” No one else can answer that for me and no one else is going to do the work for me. So it’s about time I start listening to the sound of my own voice and figuring out how to turn that volume up to be louder than the rest.
So this is the struggle, the internal dialogue of a recovering people pleaser, trying to release the fear and anxiety of letting someone down, of disappointing someone or being judged and though poorly of. This is what it sounds like and feels like for me to quit self sabotaging and staying small and playing it safe. To stop sacrificing who I am in order to be liked and accepted and approved of.
Because I am good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. (and if you get that reference, you are my people. Hit me up in the comments for a laugh.)