I look around, and I don’t feel like I deserve any of this.
When I was a little girl, I dreamed of living in New York City. I don’t know where that came from. But I was obsessed. I even had a map of NY hanging on my bedroom wall.
The poster came down after a while. Tossed. It was stupid to think I’d ever end up in New York anyway. How was I going to get all the way across the country?
As I got older, I dreamt of being a writer. It was a very Carrie Bradshaw vibe. I filled journal after journal of thoughts and poems and little bits of creativity. I started college as an English major, very serious about my craft.
I had to unenroll without even a full year in though, and I pulled every single journal out of my closet and threw them all angrily away in the trash. Heartbroken, I gave up.
I wanted marriage so bad. Stability. Love. And I thought I had it. He was so charming and talented and popular. I can’t believe he chose me. This was it.
Until it wasn’t. I wasn’t the only one he had chosen, I guess. Embarrassed, ashamed, devastated. I gave the ring back and walked away.
I didn’t deserve any of it anyway, I told myself. I was foolish to believe any of it would ever work out for me. Who did I think I was?
I struck out on my own, to live my own life, however it would unfold for me. I’d just take it. Whatever was served up for me was good enough.
I wandered.
For years.
Never feeling good enough for any of it.
It’s been almost 20 years since I gave that ring back. And as I sit here, in New York, writing at a cute little neighborhood coffee shop, while my husband and kids are at home with the grandparents, enjoying a beautiful spring day… I am overwhelmed with gratitude.
It breaks my heart for that girl, that young woman, who never felt good enough. Who gave up. Who stopped dreaming. Who held onto grief and heartache and despair until it buried her.
But it also makes me proud, of that woman, who kept climbing, kept going, sometimes not even knowing why. But listening to a soft whisper of hope, a voice that said you are enough, you are deserving of all the things. And more.
If you’re in those wandering years, I see you. You are not alone. You are enough. Keep going.
If you are flourishing in a life you’ve always wanted, embrace it. You are deserving. You are so worthy.
And one last word… for many of those “wandering years”, no one would have guessed I was unhappy. To some, it was obvious. To others, it looked like I had my shit pretty well together.
Let’s not assume anything about where anyone else is in their life. It doesn’t do any of us any good. Whether we think everyone else has it better than us or we think we know exactly what someone else should do… let’s just not, okay?
Be where you are. Love yourself where you are. Then turn that outwards and love others wherever they are, too.
You are enough
I knew those feelings too.
Beautiful....